It was in 2017, I cloaked myself in shame. My husband and I had been married for almost three years when we decided to try and get pregnant. But to no avail, nothing was happening. So, I decided to make an appointment with my doctor to get things checked out just to make sure that everything was ok with me. After all the tests, and blood work everything came back normal. That was a sigh of relief. My doctor then recommended a semen analysis of my husband to ensure everything was ok with him as well. My husband obliged, and we were awaited the results.
One evening after work, I received a call from my doctor’s nurse with the results of my husband’s analysis. We were sitting in the den together, so I put her on speaker phone, and she said, “Mrs. Mosley, the results from your husband’s analysis came back that there was no sperm in his semen”. Confused and baffled, I asked her to repeat herself, and she said, “there was no sperm in your husband’s semen. She proceeded to say, we would like to re-test him just to ensure there weren’t any discrepancies with the test. We immediately said ok without any further questions. Honestly, I don’t think we knew what to say. The nurse rescheduled the appointment, and the following week, my husband got re-tested. Unfortunately, the results were the same, there was no sperm in his semen. We were devastated and confused. My doctor recommended that we see a specialist and get further testing done. My husband would then be subjected to a series of tests and analysis to find out what was causing this issue. To our surprise, every single test came back normal. There was no reason or even an explanation as to why my husband wasn’t producing sperm in his semen. The specialist that we were seeing told us without any compassion, that we would probably never have children and that our only option would be donor sperm. That definitely wasn’t an option for us. So, we left that place distraught, discouraged, and heart broken.
We decided to get a second opinion. We visited a very sought after fertility center in Mt. Pleasant, South Carolina. They performed the same series of test and analysis, and again, to no avail, the same results, there was no sperm in his semen. However, they wanted us to do all this other genetic testing and start treatment immediately. But there was one catch, it would cost us anywhere between $18,000- $20,000. Unfortunately, we were not in a financial position to afford it, so we left again, discouraged, distraught, and heart broken. I cried out to God, asking how this could be. I have spent most of my life helping other people raise and care for their children, and now that I am ready to have my own, I can’t?! It seemed like a bad dream or a joke. I prayed and cried, prayed and cried, prayed and cried until there was no more crying left to do. I found myself drawing closer to God for comfort because there was nothing else we could do within our powers to change the current outcome. I never discussed our challenges with anyone except for my parents, my sister, and maybe a few others. I wanted to hide and I wanted to hide it from everyone.
However, I didn’t seem realize the impact and trauma that this was causing my husband. My husband was more open to telling his friends than I was, however, I had to transition myself from worrying about myself and having children to taking care of my husband. I had a responsibility to my husband to be there for him and love on him in this dark time. My husband felt broken, because the very thing he is supposed to be able to do as a man, doctors were telling him that he can’t do. In this lesson, I learned that my husband dealt with and internalize things so much differently than I did. I would verbalize my feelings, whereas my husband internalized his. I would cry out to God and to my mama. I remember having a cry session with my mom, saying I felt like God forgot me. I felt that God had left me to fend for myself; I felt helpless and ashamed. All the while, my husband was drowning in defeat. My husband would go to work and come home and sleep all evening. He also wasn’t eating much or nothing at all. That was his routine. I think over time, we both found the best coping mechanism for ourselves. Through much prayer the conversations about it would get easier and my husband wanted to become more active, so we got a dog, a German Shepherd name Apollo. This was good for my husband, because it got him out of the house more and he started to lose weight. He was very excited about that. It made him feel good.
As we got back into the swing of things, a good friend of mine connected me with a ministry at her church that would change the whole trajectory of my life. In April 2018, I would attend my very first “Expecting Miracles” meeting. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know any of these men or women, but we shared one thing in common, we were all believing God for the miracle of children The Expecting Miracles Ministry was a way for me to be open and vulnerable with men and women that were experiencing the same challenges that my husband and I was were facing. I would be enlighten to know and learn that so many other men and women were suffering in silence too. So, after all the time of crying and pleading, I finally asked God to forgive me; forgive me for doubt, fear and worry; to forgive me for believing that He can’t or He won’t. To this day, I still attend Expecting Miracles faithfully. It has been a pillar of light and encouragement for our life.
However, I was still carrying something that I didn’t realize that I was carrying. I was still carrying the shame of not having children, yet. The smudge of the shame was still in my heart. I reluctantly attended an Expecting Miracles meeting on Tuesday, March 2, 2020, and that night something changed. I released something that night, and God opened a gate of deliverance. I sat that night with two strong women as we ministered and ushered our way before God. God reminded me that He loved me and He was so in love with me. God reminded me that in trusting Him, I am never ashamed. The Holy Spirit spoke so clearly to me saying, “In trusting God for your miracle, you can’t be ashamed of your story”. I knew that was for me, because I have been carrying this shame for a few years now. God was telling me it’s time to release the shame. So in releasing the shame, I am telling our story. God can’t get the glory if I don’t tell the story, and God can’t get the glory if you don’t know the story. God is looking for glory in our lives and I am giving him an open door policy. I am reminded of the scripture Romans 10:11 that those who trust in Him will not be ashamed.
I am not sharing our story for pity or sympathy, but I am sharing our story because I know God will get the glory. My husband and I will be married for six years on July 19, 2020 and I am so grateful for this journey that God has us on together. We may not have children yet, but they are on the way. I pray this encourages you!
I am Free
!Blessings Flow!